OK. I know it has been a little longer than I had imagined it would be. But I have had to wait a bit until people involved with this second part were aware and ready to have this be "out there."
I mentioned that I have been going through this sort of cleansing experience with my father. It's true that much has come full circle in my heart with regard to him. I do love my dad, and I am amazed at his will to survive and his desire to live at almost any cost. I am grateful for so many good qualities and ideals he has instilled in me from my childhood.
There are still some things that have remained unresolved between us, however, but I know that they should probably remain that way until after this life...when he will have his full mental faculties and when some additional time has passed. I'm hopeful that on that side of the veil, there will be a clearer perspective for the both of us, and we will be able to discuss the rest of our issues calmly and openly, without anger, hurt or resentment on either side.
The next part of my crisis is something he is still unaware of, and may never know about until then... simply because the disappointment he will feel and the anger he will have is more than I want to inflict on him and on myself at this time.
My husband and I of 33 years are getting a divorce.
This is not a recent idea. I have actually been unhappy in my marriage for at least 30 years now. There have been many times when I have contemplated ending it. I will not go into the reasons for these thoughts, almost from the very beginning of my marriage. But let me just say that the fact that children kept coming, (even when using birth control), and my strong feelings about the importance of stability in the home, as well as the pressure my father put on me through his church position and through the intimidation I already felt from him...made it almost impossible for me to end the marriage for all those years. I simply could not do it. I feared for my children's welfare, and I feared I would be punished by God.
There were times I did not want to go on: times I wanted to die. There were times I prayed to die! My cries for help were not given validation, however and I felt I had no choice but to continue on in any way that I could. Eventually, after doing some foolish things that I hoped would help, I found solace in my religious beliefs, in the scriptures, in my prayers, in my friends, in my children, and through development and expression of my talents. I was eventually given much needed spiritual help, peace and gentle assurances that one day I would be set free. Whether in this life or the next, I was not sure, and I decided I would leave that in God's hands.
Flash forward 30+years...
It's my 52nd birthday, and I've just had my 33rd wedding anniversary.
I'm having a meltdown, a total and complete meltdown. It is physical, mental, spiritual, emotional...it is something I haven't felt in years and years, maybe never to this degree.
I mentioned it in my last post when I talked about my mid-life crisis. I decided that's what it was. I didn't know what to do, but to pray. I prayed a LOT. I asked for the Lord to help me figure out what I needed to do.
After much prayer and meditation, I knew one thing, and ONE THING ONLY. It was this: "I do not want to live the next 30 years the same way I lived the last 30 years."
What happened next is very personal and spiritual, and something I cannot possibly share over the internet. But I can tell you that it was completely and totally unexpected, and undeniable. It came in a way that I had not considered possible. Suffice it to say that I got the answer that I had been waiting for but never got, all of the years I had been married. I knew what I needed to do, and I knew it would shock most people who witnessed it, but I knew beyond any doubt that I needed to end the marriage. I am fully aware that there will be many who will disagree. But I have the support of God, my children, my friends, and my family. And that's all I need.
I feel peaceful and happy for the first time in a LONG time. My blood pressure has dropped. My spirits are up, and my outlook is positive. I have nothing but love for everyone, including my husband, and I wish him happiness and fulfillment in the future. He is a good man and although we are not a good marital combination, we can be good friends! (if he will allow that.)
So that is the second half of the drama, and the second part of the evolution I have begun this year. They are BIG changes for me! Much bigger than anything so far, with the exception of the Near Death Experience I had in 2004. But that is a story for another day!!!
Thanks to everyone who has stayed my friend and supported me since I started this blog. I want to write more often. It's good medicine.
Monday, November 18, 2013
OK. I know it has been a little longer than I had imagined it would be. But I have had to wait a bit until people involved with this second part were aware and ready to have this be "out there."
Posted by Lila Tueller at 10:01 PM
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Mid-Life Crises: When the Reality of Reality Becomes Real and You Realize What's Real Really Isn't What You Wanted Your Reality to Be
I admit I made it up. But it sort-of describes how I feel.
Sometimes Life is weird. Sometimes it comes at you with so much force and power, with so much truth that you cannot ignore it, even though you want to with every part and portion of yourself.
Sometimes we, as human beings feel utterly alone. Sometimes we feel so completely alone that we have no choice but to call out to some being much greater and more powerful than ourselves to intercede; to listen to us cry, because we believe there is no one on the planet who wants to hear or could possibly understand.
And sometimes, when we feel the most alone, someone will reach out to us taking us completely by surprise, to let us know that we are NOT alone at all. That God is there, and that he loves us. And...He usually works through people.
We talk about mid-life crises. We laugh about them and joke about people who suddenly change their look, their car, their job, their spouse... chalking it all up to the "Mid-life Crisis" they must be going through. We laugh, roll our eyes, we say "oh dear, that's too bad"...
I had a birthday on May 8th, my 52nd birthday. Before that, on April 23rd I had my 33rd wedding anniversary.
I know that I should have had my "crisis" on my 50th birthday, not my 52nd. Call it a delayed reaction, call it whatever you want. But it didn't really get full-blown until then.
Or some time after. Whenever it was, it hit me HARD. I cried for weeks. I couldn't stop crying. I cried every time I turned around. I couldn't sit through church, I couldn't carry on a normal conversation without breaking down. There was clearly something very wrong. My kids were all very worried. My husband was freaking out. I was freaking out. I realized suddenly that something had to change.
Before I continue...
This story is actually a two part saga. I will start with part one today. Maybe I'll get to part two in a couple of weeks, or months.
It's more than anyone really wants to read about in one sitting anyway, right?
My relationship with my father was always strained. As a child I knew he didn't have time for me. He was hardly ever at home anyway; but his work and his church responsibilities kept him far too busy to talk to me, or any of us for that matter. The only real interaction we had was when I was in trouble. My mother would wait till he got home and then unload all the naughty things I had done that day on his expectant ears. Then I got a good dose of his attention! But not the attention I really wanted from him. He scared me. His anger and his complete power over me was incredibly frightening. He had a way of glaring at me, and flaring his nostrils, baring his teeth...it was terrifying! I didn't really like him. I was pretty sure he didn't like me either. I was never allowed to express my feelings, my opinion, or to defend myself.
Besides that, my father was so much larger than me, not just physically, but his whole personal presence was just BIG. He commanded attention and awe whenever he entered a room. He controlled the conversation...was always the center of attention. He had no patience for anyone who didn't agree with his point of view, which he voiced loudly and often to any who would listen. He seemed to be so completely sure of himself! He seemed to expect me, and everyone else to believe that his way of looking at everything was correct, and that we must never challenge that correctness. Being the person that I am, that was almost impossible for me to do. It was only a matter of time. As an adult, I would have to breach that "agreement" at some point... at several points as it turned out.
There have been many, but the last horrific confrontation I had with my father was in my kitchen on Christmas day, 2012. I spent the better part of Christmas day in my bedroom crying after a serious altercation with him and his BIG personality. He attacked and humiliated me for disagreeing with him about something. My two eldest sons; 24 and 28 years old, both came into my room afterwards and consoled me, telling me that he was wrong, that I was right, but that I should let it go and be the bigger person. They didn't want me missing out on Christmas because of my father. It was hard for me, but I finally did come back to the "party". My father never apologized for his behavior. He never admitted it was out of line for him to do that on Christmas day, in my home, in front of his grandchildren. I decided to let it go. "He's old", I told myself. "I need to just forget about it." Which I tried to do.
After that, all of our conversations were light and superficial. He and my mother continued to come for dinner at our home every Sunday afternoon. I somehow was able to avoid any and all topics that would start an argument. For instance: you do not discuss politics with my father, unless you want to start a holy war. Its best to steer that one right out the door before it gets full-blown. And there are many others topics to avoid, which I have been dutifully successful at avoiding.
So it seems I've been playing patty cake with him for the last several months, doing whatever it takes to keep him on a positive note, and feeling like he is unchallenged.
Then the accident happened.
On July 30th, my aged parents were driving very late at night on a long stretch of highway after attending an opera. My dad was driving, and apparently either fell asleep at the wheel or was bumped into by another vehicle, causing him to veer across four lanes of the freeway into an open field at 75 MPH. The car went flying through the field completely out of control, with windows shattering glass into their faces while sailing over bumps and crevasses in the field that sent them airborne. They then came barreling through two chain link fences into a neighborhood of a small town. After crashing into parked cars and ricocheting off curbs, they finally hit a tree which brought them to an abrupt halt. The airbags did not deploy. My Father was pinned in such a way that he could not be taken out the usual way, but had to go through the back of the car. He had suffered many injuries due to the steering wheel, and the sideboards that he hit repeatedly with his body. The seat belts that both of them were wearing saved their lives, but did some damage of their own. Long story short, my father suffered 6 broken ribs, some with multiple breaks, a broken back, lacerated spleen, liver, and intestines, and internal bleeding that eventually caused his lungs to collapse, not to mention being beaten and bruised and cut. My mother seemed to escape with only the bruises and bumps, (which looked pretty gruesome I must admit) and a painfully sore back, neck and pelvis. She was sent home the following day, but was completely incapacitated and still requires constant care. She also suffers from Alzheimer's, which has only worsened since the accident.
My father actually died clinically at one point when his heart stopped beating and he had to be resuscitated. Dad was put in ICU in the trauma unit and was there for two 1/2 weeks before being transferred out of ICU. It has been a very long drama. I have never spent more hours in the hospital in my life, even with the birth of my seven kids, and my own life-threatening experiences (where I spent a while in the hospital myself) added together. This was something entirely different. Watching my father cling to life has been heart-wrenching and cleansing for me in ways I can't totally explain.
Through this series of events, I came to see my father as the fragile human being that he really is. Suddenly he was not the larger than life character that held me spellbound in fear as a child and an adolescent. Now he looked at me with agony and fear on HIS face! He grasped my hand and squeezed it as he writhed in pain and fought for breath. Now at times he looked at me with tenderness and gratitude for my presence with him during this frightening battle for his life. He became the child, and I the strong presence.
Seeing him in this situation has begun to heal my heart, and has begun to teach me about forgiveness. I didn't even realize how much pain I had harbored inside with regard to my father. And now it was being purged from me without my even trying. This was and is actually a miracle.
( My dad and mom today, celebrating his 89th birthday.)
Jesus Christ understands and knows our hearts. He knows how we can be healed. He is the master healer.
Part two of the Mid-Life Crisis:
(to be continued)
Love to all of you,
Posted by Lila Tueller at 9:31 PM
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
OKAY! Well thank you to all of you who commented on Why You Love fabric!
Clearly there are lots and lots of fabriholics out there!
I am wondering if there is a support group for fabric hoarders and the people who live with them and deal with their addiction! I am one of those people, (a hoarder) so I can relate to everyone who made a comment, and I am not ashamed to admit it:)
Now let me get down to business and announce the WINNERS! (DRUMROLL PLEASE...)
The winner of the Laminated "Priscilla"
Metro Slouch Bag is....
The winner of the 10" stack of Priscilla fabric is...
The winner of the rollie pollie of Priscilla Fabric is:
The winner of the fat quarter bundle of Priscilla fabric is"
GALE KY QUILTER!
To the winners: Please send me an email: firstname.lastname@example.org with your MAILING address so I can send you your prize!
Thanks to all of you who entered! It's always so hard to not let everyone be a winner! I wish I had enough fabric to go around to all of you! I love you all for being such a great support to me, and for loving fabric like you do!
Posted by Lila Tueller at 10:23 PM
Monday, June 17, 2013
BLOG HOP Stop #11 ... Lila Tueller!
Here are some highlights:
The pattern is designed for either laminated cotton, or regular quilting weight or decor weight cotton fabrics. These are done in my "Fiona's Fancy" laminated coordinates.
Another great thing about this pattern is the hardware! This is the thing that makes it look professionally made and high-fashion. The hardware kits are included in the class supplies, along with the pattern and all the materials you will need to make the clutch. Won't it be fun??
The Everyday Wrap Skirt:
Now For the Giveaway!
I will be giving away this beautiful Metro Slouch Bag made from my "Priscilla" collection in laminated cotton!
This bag has lots of great features. There are multiple inside pockets, lots of interior space to keep all your necessities, an elasticized side pocket on the outside for your cell phone, a wide shoulder strap for comfort, and even a cute little jeweled tassel!
Make a comment about why you love fabric and I will choose one winner at random within 48 hours!
Additional prizes of Priscilla fabric pre-cuts will also be awarded!
Don't forget to check out tomorrow's blog hop post: Amy Smart of Diary of a Quilter
Lori Holt of Bee in My Bonnet
Posted by Lila Tueller at 9:34 AM
Friday, June 7, 2013
Hello blogworld friends...I have been away for too long! You may not have noticed, but I sure have! I guess I've been really busy doing 100 other things, and forgot I even have a blog!
Well I have made a mid-year resolution to start writing much more often! There's a lot of stuff I could be talking to you about, but I guess it requires more work than I have had energy for recently. But I will do better!
First of all, I recently returned from a trip to Spokane, Washington, where I taught a class in a really beautiful quilt shop called The Top Stitch. It is owned and operated by my new friend Carrie Jarvis, who invited me to come and do a class after she attended another class I did in Spokane a year ago. We had a really good time together making the Casual Clutch pattern, and had a little lunch as well!
Here are some pictures I stole from Carrie's Facebook page of the event! (Thanks Carrie!)
A fuzzy one of me holding up the pattern piece we are cutting out...
Christine with her new black and white purse! She went home and added a red
button to it.
Other adorable class attendees!!!
Everyone took home a really cute Casual Clutch they had made in the class! It was a lot of fun:) Didn't they all do great work?
This is a closeup of the clutch Dana (see below) made...isn't it adorable? Love the pop-out buttons in the centers of the flowers!
Then I got to stay and visit my dear friend Dana who lives in Spokane as well! I stayed for a whole week! She treated me to all kinds of fun outings...an art festival, Farm Chicks, and lots of fancy dinners and lunches out on the town!
Here's a picture of Dana and I and her daughter Jessica at quilt market this past May in Portland! (That's another event I have neglected to talk about!) But I digress...
She came because Portland is sorta close to Spokane...and cause we could play!!
This is Dana and her husband Dave. Aren't they a cute couple?? They made me feel really welcome and comfortable in their home while I stayed...and stayed...
Dave was very patient, although he did make a few jokes about the bad influence I was on his wife! Let's just say she didn't get a whole lot of work done while I was there, haha!
But she did manage to make a delicious Italian dinner for her family on Sunday, complete with Lasagne and homemade ravioli! YUM!! (Wish I had a picture of that)
One thing I really enjoyed about Spokane was the beautiful park near Dana's home. It's called Manito Park, (I think) and it is just gorgeous! Here are some pictures I took of the park when I was walking one morning.
Its really green, and the flowers were just starting to really bloom nicely! I couldn't get enough of it!
So that's the latest news...and while I was uploading pictures for this post I saw a bunch of pictures I took at quilt market in May that I never posted about! What is WRONG with me?
So I promise to get back to that right away! (That resolution I made)
My newest fabric collection called Priscilla is on the shelves now, so this is the time to get some! Here's a little plug for Dana...she has an online fabric store: Fabriphoria.com, where you can order my fabrics,
and her Facebook page too! You should definitely order some from her!!!
Check back on the 17th of June for my Fabric Fest Blog Hop post and giveaway!!
Thanks for visiting!
Posted by Lila Tueller at 11:45 PM
Friday, April 5, 2013
Just wanted to make sure everyone got the memo! I realize that I should have made an announcement on here, instead of just on my Facebook page...so here it is!
THE $2 PATTERN SALE IS NOW OVER! and it was really successful! Thanks to all of you who ordered!
Posted by Lila Tueller at 7:32 PM
Monday, February 4, 2013
I have recently been doing a little re-org with Chelsea of Pink Fig Patterns, who has been selling my patterns for me.
For quite a while we had this little deal going, but recently Chelsea has been doing a makeover in several areas of her life, which we all do now and again, or should! One of the things she decided to "let go" of is the selling of my patterns on her website. I am totally supportive of this change she is making, and am frankly surprised that she didn't do it before now!
I will be coming up with a new website for selling my patterns both retail and wholesale. Until that time, if you want to order patterns from me, please email me at: email@example.com
We will work out everything that way until I have a new site up and running. Sorry for the confusion or inconvenience this may have already caused you!
In the meantime, I am doing a little
This sale is effective for the next 2 weeks or while supplies last!
Wholesale customers: please email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
You can view these patterns on the right sidebar...just scroll down a bit!
The Funked Out Peasant Blouse
The Bohemian Bag
The Snazzy Bag
The Posie Bag
The Sophisticate Skirt
The Athena/Calista Skirts
The Stella Skirt
The London Top/Dress tween sizes
The Abigail Dress/Top tween sizes
Day at the Park Jacket, Pants, Skirt and Cap (child)
The Lollipop-Lola Sundress, Hat and Shorts
The Halle Rose Baby Blanket
The Soire'e Quilt
The Orchard Basket Quilt
The Woodland Bloom Quilt
Pillow Pop Pillow Covers
The Natalie Bedding Set
Posted by Lila Tueller at 6:46 PM
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Hey you guys!
It's me again...I know I know, I am the worst blogger in the whole world! It's been a whirlwind since Christmas day when we had a little fire in our house which caused me all sorts of drama ever since! Everything in the house was damaged by the smoke it seems, and we have been busy cleaning and painting and laying carpet...etc. So that's my excuse for now.
But guess what!?
I am really excited because I just saw the final prints for my newest collection to be debuting at the May Quilt Market in Portland!
The collection is called..."Priscilla"
It is full of soft color that will be perfect for spring and summer sewing...for quilts, clothing, accessories, bedding, you name it! There will be a few laminates as well...which make for some great bags and such!
Major Tip of the Day: I also recommend recovering your kitchen chair cushions in laminated cotton, because then you can wipe off the spills instead of freaking out!! I just got a new kitchen table and chairs (a-la the fire) and as soon as I get a second I am going to recover the cushions in laminate even though we haven't even gotten them dirty yet! Not even gonna wait for that.
So here is a little sneak peek for you!
And the link to view the whole collection:
It's a little softer than I have done in a while! I hope it will be fun to work with...maybe a baby girl's nursery, or a big girl's bedroom! Maybe just some fun dresses or skirts. I hope you will enjoy it, and ask for it from your local quilt shop!
Posted by Lila Tueller at 8:00 PM
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
The Every Day Wrap Skirt ( designed to fit pretty much everyone)
And the Luggage Tags pattern:
These are a couple of fast and easy projects that would work really well as last minute gifts for friends or family!
If you want to download either of these or both, please go to the right sidebar, right near the top. They are easy to find!
You will want to use 8.5" X 11" card stock to print off the templates portion of the Luggage Tags. It will make your life a lot easier if you do.
So I recommend that you load your printer as follows: 2 pages of white card stock on the top, with at least 5 pages of plain paper underneath. The pattern will print in reverse order, so that your templates are printed on the card stock first, then the directions on the plain paper, ending with the title page.
Merry Christmas! and Happy Sewing for the New Year!
Posted by Lila Tueller at 9:39 PM
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I had a really great time in Houston, getting a chance to reunite with lots of friends, and meeting some new ones too! It's always a good chance for me to get some fresh inspiration and motivation as well. The creative juices flow freely after market, every time I go.
It's time to do a little booth expo for all of you who were not there to see it in person.
This below, is a shot of my booth. The fabric collection we are focusing on here is called Mystique. It is essentially a collection of blacks, whites and greys that can be mixed and matched with solids or just each other to create a whole bunch of interesting looks.
This is a closeup shot of some items we made featuring Mystique. You can see the Cambridge Cargo Bag, made up in the Grey floral and dot. There is also a framed watercolor I did, matted out in the black floral.
Here you can see a little closeup shot of the dessert table. If you had come to my booth, you would have gotten a sample of my homemade chocolate walnut fudge, and my homemade licorice caramels! We also had little black boxes filled with yummy creamy mint sandwiches!
You can also get a little glimpse of some of the new fancy clutches, which is a great new pattern on its way from my partner Michelle at Golightly Sewing Studio. Notice also the shots of the dress!
See that photo album?? I wish each and every one of you had taken a look at this album. It was shot and put together by my really close friend Lisa Coplen. Words cannot express the time, talent and love that went into what she did for me in creating the theme for this booth. The photos were EXQUISITE!! If you ever need a wedding photographer who will blow your mind, it's this girl. That's all I can say!!
This is the sweet little dress made from my Mystique fabric in grey by Chelsea at Pink Fig Design. She made this pattern for a magazine. I'll have to find out more about that so you can get your hands on it if you are interested!
There are also a couple of cool quilts shown here from Mystique. Many of the quilts shown in the booth are available through Riley Blake.
The display you see below is showcasing the new Sundance Coats pattern, the Savannah Breeze Dress and Top pattern, and the Charlotte Sunshine Tween pattern which are new and available now! email:email@example.com to order
Another view of the Sweet Clutches pattern:
Oh...and did I mention that my booth won an award?? Second place in my category. That's pretty good out of 2300 booths!
This below is me during my schoolhouse. I am wearing the Every day Wrap Skirt pattern which I handed out to all the attendees. You can find this pattern on my blog very soon!
And this is Michelle Golightly, below, at the same schoolhouse event talking about her new patterns.
I did a little make and take mini class teaching how to make luggage tags!
This pattern will also be available on my blog very soon!
Just a little bit of fun...This is David Butler and Ty Pennington here with Chelsea and I. (!!) :0
This below is my daughter Natalie and her friend Nick English who came along for the quilt market ride. I think they had a lot of fun goofing off in Houston, actually. Quilt Market wasn't exactly their scene:)
And last but not least, late night eats at Cheesecake Factory in Houston. Absolutely the BEST!!
Left to right: Michelle Golightly, Chelsea Andersen, Myself, Dana English
All in all, I had a really great time at market! Hope you enjoyed the pictures!!!
Posted by Lila Tueller at 5:44 PM